Tough days

I had a mixed day yesterday. On one hand, Mr. J and I had friends over and played Rock Band and had a knee slapping good time. On the other, it was pointed out to me that my low progesterone level is indicative of not having ovulated, NOT actually having low progesterone. Well, I still could have low progesterone, the point is, I don't know. That crushed me, I was so optimistic that we had finally found something to fix, and I really felt like I was doing something productive by taking the progesterone, but now? Who knows? I want to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up completley. I don't want to keep getting pregnant only to have more miscarriages.

Well, I can't find a way to spin that particular subject in a positive light right now, so I'm just going to put it on the backburner. I'm sure I'll eventually have a eureka moment about this and start feeling better, but for now I don't even want to think about it.

On a positive note, I feel really good in the aspects of my life that don't involve my body. I have just started the program at Flylady.com, and I am loving it. For those of you who don't know, my nickname as a child was Missy mess pot, and I never grew out of it. Flylady.com gives me a program to get the CHAOS (Can't have anyone over syndrome) out of my life. I really love it, because even though I should know better, I thought I was the only one out there who liked having a clean house...but didn't. So far so good in that aspect, and it is so much less stressful to come home to a clean(er..still a work in progress) house.

Also, we have decided to transition our outdoor dog, Ruby, into an indoor one. She spent most of her time outside or on the patio, and she was the only pet in our house who wasn't really a member of the family. The reason for this is that she was too "hyper" (read: underexcercised). Finally, we couldn't stand how sad she looked all the time, especially knowing that it was our fault. We gave her a nice bath, dried her off, and let her in, for good. It's amazing now, how happy she is, and how great it is to have both of our doggies inside with us. We had one, maybe two days of hyperness, and non-stop playing between Ruby and Copper (our other dog), but now things have become normal. I imagine that in a few weeks I won't even be able to imagine her as anything but a house dog.

Now that my house is starting to be a bit cleaner, I've been able to enjoy some more cooking and baking. This is the Stuffed Pizza Rolls recipe from ourbestbites.com. It was yummy. (http://www.ourbestbites.com/2009/06/stuffed-pizza-rolls.html)

Before (We only had turkey bacon for these. I made them again last night
with turkey bacon, pepperoni and ham. Yum!)

After (With Pizza Sauce and Ranch Pizza Sauce for dipping)

And with my pretty, decorated for Christmas, stove

Its a winter wonderland

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it seems funny that I worried so much about it. It was one of the best Thanksgivings of my life. Mr. J and I drove to my Dad and Stepmoms farm in Wisconsin. It is a beautiful place. Before they bought it, it used to be my grandparents vacation home, and we would spend Christmases there, so I always love going back. The food was great, but certainly not the best part of the weekend. After dinner, it's family tradition to watch a James Bond movie, and during that I had my Aunt and Grandma both sitting on the couch with me, all knitting away on our winter projects. The next day, we went out to the shooting range and destroyed some old computers, a car door, and a scarecrow. We also shot at some targets my Dad had set up, and Mr J. got it in the center ring with my Grammys old Smith & Wesson. That night, we all went to the bar, except for Mr. J who caught cold. It was a fun time, because I got to hang out, play pinball, shoot pool, (and lose by one stinking ball!) with my cousin Tim who I barely see. I always think of him as much younger than me, but I'm only two years older, and we had a great time.

The next day, we went back to the woods and cut fresh evergreens and berries to make Christmas wreaths and swags for the house. I even made a few to take home. After that, we all shot skeet. My dad has a range right there on the farm, and he coaches the local High School's shooting team. We all practiced from the easy spots, then Dad and Tim shot a whole round. After that, I elbowed my way into the next match, and for my very first round of skeet ever, I shot a 13! Once again, Tim beat me by one lousy point.

The next morning, I helped clean out the horse barn before leaving. The whole weekend was amazing, and I'm so glad we were able to go and have that time with my family.

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A funny thing happened here this year. Throughout November, the weather was pretty warm here in Michigan. As Mr. J and I drove to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving, we didn't even bother to put on our warm coats when going in to stores. (Wisconsin itself was a different, much colder story). Anyways, November was very mild, and as soon as the calendar rolled over to December, the snow started falling. I literally woke up on December first to snow on the ground, and thats as it should be! Lets hope its gone by March.

You know, you can tell that you're getting older when you start to hate the snow. Part of me still loves it, and it certainly is beautiful, but a much larger part of me likes being warm and able to drive without sliding all over the place.

Crazy days

Whoo! Been a whirlwind couple of days. Mr. J and I went to his buddys birthday party and it was a blast. His wife is absolutley amazing, like something out of a movie. Spotless house always decorated for the holidays, amazing cook, awesome kid, and a career to boot.

She gives me a complex.

Actually, I really look up to her, she just sets the bar crazy high. :)

Also, I've had a cold, which could have been prevented if I had only worn a coat on campus. I guess since I had a flu shot for the first time this year, I had a sense of false security. Being sick is boring, and now I feel behind in everything...especially the paper I haven't started yet is due next Monday.

I start Clomid tomorrow, I'm hoping that my illness doesn't affect anything too badly. It is going to be a marginally expensive cycle.

Although I'm stressing a little over Thanksgiving, I am feeling better overall.

Saturday - A lazy day

Today is a lazy day. Mr. J and I are just lying around the house, trying not to let the state of it get us down. I won't lie, it's pretty dirty. My desire to clean is being overwhelmed by the fact that I am in the midst of a pretty bad cold. I'm actually getting pretty excited about our new regimen this cycle. I can't wait to actually start taking the Clomid, I'm really hoping my body reacts well to it. To be honest I'm not looking forward to the side effects that are sure to come, but if this eventually works, It will be worth it.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and this year will be the first year that Mr. J and I will be going out of state to spend the holiday with my dads family. I'm very excited, but a little nervous. My cousin is pregnant right now, and I've struggled with that for a while. I'm incredibly jealous that she got to have a perfect, worry-free first pregnancy, but beyond that, I'm to a place where I'm very happy for her. I'm knitting the new baby a nice hat, and I really looking forward to seeing her daughter this winter. I'm honestly hoping that our problems will be a non-issue this holiday. Maybe it sounds a little egotistical, but, I'm worried that I'm going to be pitied, and that makes me a little nervous.

To overcome this nervousness, I plan on distracting everyone with baked goods. Seriously, I don't know where this is coming from, but I know I need to show up with a loaf of bread for everyone and cookies and caramel corn. This is happening.

Thinking about this, perhaps I am trying to prove my womanhood somehow since the infertility and miscarriages have left me feeling inadequate in that department.

Anyways, since I'm trying to stay positive, I'll end with a list of things that make me happy today-

1. Having Mr. J home with me, and having some video game time with him.

2. Watching How I Met Your Mother and Conan on the DVR.

3. Being snuggled up with a comfy blanket on the couch.

Seems like I have a pretty good day going on.

Day One...One Day at a Time

Hello everyone. This is day one, hopefully day one of a new life for my hubby and I. I guess I should start with a little background. I met Mr. J when I was 17 and he had just turned 21. Two years later he proposed, and two years after that we were married. Up until this time, I was the eternal optimist, the exact opposite of Mr. J, the textbook pessimist. I prided myself on being able to find happiness in any situation, and I truly could. I was the happiest girl in town, right up until the happiest day of my life. Mr. J and I decided to start a family right away, and may have even jumped the gun on our trying by a month. I dreamed of a honeymoon baby (I packed my brand new copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" along with our bathing suits and sunglasses) , picked names, nursery schemes, initiated conversations on nothing but babies-

"So, how will you tell your parents when we're pregnant? How about my parents? Your best friend? How about your second cousins by marriage? How will we break the happy news to them??"

"Should we cloth diaper? Can we make all of our own baby food? How do you feel about a natural birth?"

Strangely enough, the answer I received to every question was the same, my brand new hubby would shrug his shoulders and tell me that he wasn't a planner. I must have been terribly annoying.

A month passed with a perfect cycle, but no pregnancy. No matter, we'll get it next month, or the next. Almost three months later, Mr. J lost his dream job, the career he had gone to college for and had held for more than half a decade. We decided to stop trying for a baby for the tie being, and focused on both of our educations. This is a decision that we would go back and forth on for more than a year and half. Some months we were very careful, and some months we were the opposite.

I started losing my spark as we struggled financially and as we struggled with our wish to be parents. Mr. J got a job cleaning a factory in order to pay the bills, but he was miserable and struggled with depression. One month, we decided together that he would give his two weeks notice and focus all of his time on finding a new job. I actually hadn't thought about being pregnant in a while. I decided that I wanted us to be happy again, independent of the baby fever that I felt. We were driving to his parents house, when I made a joke about being pregnant. We laughed it off, but I started to wonder.

I hadn't been keeping track of my cycle, but I knew that we had been...less than careful that month. Mr. J blew off my suspicions. Time and time again he said "I really don't think you're pregnant this time honey." Once, though, while we were on the phone during his lunch break, he became serious for a moment-

"Honestly, honey, now that I've quit you probably WILL be pregnant." He promised that I could go buy a pregnancy test when he got home that night, but by that time I had started spotting and told him not to bother.

The next night, my husband, the teetotaler, brought home a six pack of  fruity drinks and some Pamprin (after I had complained of cramps). This is still the only time he has ever brought drinks home, and even that night  he failed to drink more than the neck of the one that he opened.

The next morning my spotting had stopped, and I was very suspicious. I promised Mr. J that I would wait three days to buy a pregnancy test.

I didn't even make it three hours.

I took the test, and after about five seconds I pronounced it to be negative, rolled my eyes at how stupid I had been, and left it on the edge of the bathtub. Imagine my surprise when, five minutes later, the test sitting on the tub showed a faint, but clear second line. I immediately called my best friend, who just happened to be in town. Shaking, I drove the test over to her moms house, where she took one look and told me-

"Congratulations, you're going to be a mom!"

It took the much more expensive test that I bought on the way home to convince me that yes, I was pregnant! I told Mr. J that night, snapping a picture of his expression as he looked at the positive test.

That night was one of the best of my life, but it wasn't to last.

The next morning, I took the second test in the box, anxious to see it get darker, but the opposite happened. The line was slightly lighter, and the bad feeling that would define my entire, short,  pregnancy was born. A week or two later, after I had lived out all of my "telling everyone the news" fantasies, Mr. J left on a 12 hour road trip with his brother to visit his best friend. I knew something terrible would happen that weekend, and Mr. J convinced me that everything would be okay, and made plans for me to spend some time with my mom.

The next day Mom and I spent the day shopping and cleaning. We organized the upstairs storage room in order for it to become our bedroom before the baby arrived, and despite my reservations, we also bought a bassinet and a changing table.

I went to bed feeling better, but woke up to bright pink spotting. I called my mom who told me it was normal. When it started to get worse, I called the weekend emergency OBGYN number, and they told me I could come in to have an ultrasound to make me feel better. I went by myself, telling myself that everything was okay, and that I didn't want anyone to see a possible heartbeat before Mr. J could.

I was wrong. There was no heartbeat, no fetal sac, nothing. I called my mom who waited with me for my blood test results, and I called Mr. J, who drove 12 hours through the night to get back to me. The blood test showed a beta of 105, too low for the stage of pregnancy I was supposed to be in. I was having a miscarriage.

After the miscarriage, I really lost myself. I can be pretty sure that I am being truthful when I say that I have not felt like my normal, happy self ever since.

We started trying again immediately. Nothing happened, not for months. I grew sadder, and then just numb.

In October of 2010, the month of our original due date (Halloween), I started having the same feelings that I did the first time around. I left one morning to buy pregnancy tests, but the first one was negative. I took another one that night, but fell asleep before I could look at it. I woke up to a faint, faint pink line. Mr. J was skeptical. That mornings test, an even darker line, left me with no doubt. I was pregnant again. I told Mr. J while sobbing, terrified of this new pregnancy.

Mr. J was still skeptical, so I drove to the free clinic, desperate for a medical conformation of what I already knew. Their urine test was negative. I was in Limbo. Mr. J offered his condolences.

I went in for a blood test, and the results were not as definitive as I had hoped. It was positive, but very low. My beta was 11.

I tried to enjoy what I was sure was going to be another short pregnancy, and only a few, nerve-wracking days later, we lost our second baby. I ended up in the ER due to the pain (a VERY expensive 3 hour visit).

The positive side, if there is one, is my OBGYN decided to test our fertility. Mr. J's semen analysis went...well, swimmingly. Above average everything except a slightly low motility. Everything turned out normal except for my progesterone, which, on day 22, was 0.24...normal levels are about 9 to 18. So I will be going on progesterone this cycle, along with Clomid and Metformin.

Which brings us to today. Cycle Day One. I am terrified, terrified because there are no guarantees. Fertility treatments always felt so far off, like something we could do as a last resort, like our safety net. And now we're using the safety net, and I'm realizing that if we try this, and it doesn't work, then there is no net. If we try this and it doesn't work, if I keep on having miscarriages, then what will we have?

Today is cycle day one, and I feel hopeless. Today, I decided that I didn't want to feel that way any more. I want to get back to who I used to be. Years and years ago, Mr. J teased me when he found out that my blood type was B positive. "It WOULD be that, you're such an optimist!" Over the years, he would remind me of this to cheer me up. I would be sad and he would say "Hey, whats your blood type?" and I would cheer up. I want to be that person again, and I'm going to be that person again. I'm going to B positive.